Vladploitation

Vladploitation

Stale Cake: Vlaploitation

Vladploitation

So how exactly do Vlad, Dracula and Exploitation films form Vladploitation? We don’t know really, we’re just weird and come up with crazy stuff sometimes. What we do know is that vampires keep taking a bite of our collective consciousness. From the silent era Nosferatu to the Bon Temps vamps of True Blood, there seems to be a never ending fascination with the “children of the night.”

We originally started calling this cartoon Vlad Shaft and quickly decided that sounded like porn and we didn’t want to disappoint people. After the latest crop of sparkly vampires, we thought we’d take a look back at the O.G. conqueror who would impale them on spikes and munch away on them as midnight snack treats. (Wow, there’s no way to not sound kinda porn-y in this post.)

Anyway! Vlad really liked to impale people. He enjoyed it so much he would hang out with impaled corpses while having a picnic. Impaling is not so popular anymore, though Discovery Health has the show titled “I Was Impaled”, which shows the trials and tribulations of folks that were impaled by foreign objects. If Vlad where still alive (or is he?) I bet he would really be into it.

I bet you are curious why a middle age ruler who has a fetish for impaling people got associated centuries later with vampire lore. While he never set foot upon Romanian soil, Bram Stoker used local library resources to dig up information on Vlad. Historians have debated whether Stoker happened upon the name Dracula and thought the name was cool or if he did any real research on Vlad. Learn more about Vlad and Stoker here.

 

There are just so many archetypes of movie vampires, but we picked out a few that have stuck in our memory. Feel free to submit your own in our poll below! We didn’t include TV vampires, which seems even harder, so calm down Eric/Spike/Count von Count fans!

 

Deep Closet Cleanse

Stale Cake: Deep closet cleanse

Deep Closet Cleanse

Love her or hate her, it’s clear that Gwyneth Paltrow, the multi-hyphenated actress turned guru of all things, is comedy gold. If you haven’t had the (dis)pleasure of experiencing the wonders of Goop.com, go ahead and check it out. We will wait here.

Even if you haven’t searched for excuses to be offended by her, it is hard to avoid the constant stream of outrage from something she’s done. (Long butt, anyone?)

The most recent round came when Paltrow and her entourage sat amongst the commoners for a signing of her newest cookbook. Author Christina Oxenberg was a bit put out from her experience with the “divinity” and her crew, “I was forced to crawl under the table. And there I sat with my meat products, wafting the excellent smells toward my sleek vegan neighbor.”

So why does Paltrow get so much hate? And why do we enjoy it?

She is certainly a capable award winning actress, a good singer, Coldplay lover, Goop prognosticator and so much more. Is she simply out of touch, entitled, and pretentious? Maybe it’s because she leads an extraordinary (and extraordinarily expensive) life, and advises us to live like her. But Oprah tops Forbes lists and yet we can look through the tips in her magazine and our eyes don’t roll out of our head – then again, Oprah loved to shower us with cars and trips to Australia. Maybe it’s easy to hate on her because she doesn’t give a crap what we think. She rolls her eyes right back. We’re still going to her movies, buying her cookbooks even though she faints from hunger, and clicking on goop.com.

A few months ago I was showing Monette how Paltrow’s line of bikinis for girls was a perfect example of how Goop.com always pushes crazy stuff that no one can afford. In the middle of my rant, my “WTF?” quickly turned into “Oh, that’s cute and surprisingly affordable, and I’m going to buy it for my daughter!”

My faith in Paltrow’s eternal suckiness was shaken. One bathing suit does not justify years of crazy comments and other antics, but maybe she’s not so bad?

Nah, she still gets on my nerves!

What do you think? Do you think that Paltrow is insufferable or awesome? Is she a Goopy genius or an entitled bore?

 

Book Lover

Stale Cake: Book Lover

Book Lovers

Kindles and Nooks have replaced whole catalogs of books for some of us. But some people will never give up their hard-copies. The smell, the feel, the heft can never be replaced. One of my friends almost cried when telling me how her boyfriend gave her set of Harry Potter books to his niece. “He gave away a part of me!!”

She now guards her books like Voldemort guarded those horcruxes. But I’d imagine this is what her idea of casual lending would look like. I also like to imagine that she follows these book-care tips (my favorite is “Open your book and dust it every month, every two months if you’re lazy.”)

I like to tease her about it, but as people buy more e-books I wonder if hardcovers will be more like those unopened action figure dolls that are meant to be coveted and free of any evidence of human contact.

I have to admit I have a thing for books. Not like a freaky fetish type thing, (like those people who get off by smelling books,) but a tangible book will always be the real deal.

Do you go into bookstores and spend most of your time at the built-in cafe? Do you scan the staff recommendations, choose one, and make a mental note to buy it with your Amazon Prime account? We like our bookstores, but we’ve been there. Before your local book retailer goes the way of the dinosaur, we thought it would be nice to show you some of the most beautiful book stores in the world.

 

 

book-lover

Beauty is Fleeting, but Stupidity is Forever

Beauty is Fleeting, but Stupidity is Forever

Ah, what price beauty? Apparently it is quite expensive. As Elizabeth Bathory would tell you it’s worth killing and bathing in virgin blood for. While we have never bathed in virgin blood or even had the new vampire facial we can admit that we have done some dumb shit in the name of beauty.

Want brighter, firmer skin with a JLo glow? Sure, sign me up! The high price tag means it’s working? OK!! None of it worked for us, so maybe we’re too poor. Maybe these age defiant products need to be age CONQUERORS who plant their flags in our faces and don’t back down in the face of reality and time!

Sperm de la Unicorn, sadly, does not really exist. While we trademark the name in the high hopes that someone will ask us for some, check out other treatments that sounds just as crazy.

How about shelling out $180 dollars for a bird poop facial? Yes, you read that right. A facial with nightingale droppings mixed with rice bran sounds awesome! I can say I have had a free version of this treatment when I walked through the park a few weeks ago. I can also say that I definitely wouldn’t pay $180 for the designer version.

If you go for the cheap version and wait outside in your garden, wishing for a bird to see your face as a toilet target, maybe you can hunt around for snails as another facial option. The snail mucus facial is even more expensive at $243.

I’m a Wanderer

I’m a Wanderer

Do you let technology boss you around? Or do you frequently tell your GPS to “STFU!” when it won’t stop nagging you?

Either way, maybe you should get a map and learn how to read it. You will be thankful when the zombie/robot/alien/nature-attacking/viral-infection apocalypse comes.

If you still can’t part with your GPS and don’t have topographagnosia, check out what disasters await you:

http://theweek.com/article/index/243813/8-drivers-who-blindly-followed-their-gps-into-disaster

Our favorite is about the woman who drove from Belgium to Croatia when trying to get to the local train station. How far would you go before realizing your GPS is a sentient being who is silently laughing at you?

Havisham Hoarder

Stale Cake: Havisham hoarder

Havisham Hoarder

Ms. Havisham is the literary patron saint of Stale Cake.

Here’s a tip: Watching “Hoarders” while eating = Best Diet Ever.

Anyway, we think Miss Havisham’s insanity, extreme living, and pathological nature make her an ideal reality tv character! Dickens really knew how to entertain us with colorful characters.

Reflections

Stale Cake: Reflections

Reflections


One of us was almost thrown out of a car because of a bad pun. You might argue that puns are bad by definition, but they can make us (well, one of us) laugh pretty hard.

Anyway, we’ve been logging extra hours on Facebook this week for Stale Cake’s grand opening and are so thankful for everyone’s support! We really appreciate it – though we wouldn’t risk our lives for it.

 

reflections

Popping the Personal Bubble

Stale Cake: Popping the personal bubble

 Popping the Personal Bubble

popping-the-personal-bubble

Last month in Brooklyn, NY there was an event inviting people to touch the hair of various African American women. There were opinions on all sides ranging from those who supported breaking down the perceived mystique of black hair. On the other side was outrage for an event that to some seemed reminiscent of the exploitation of Saartjie Baartmen, a South African woman who was fetishized and put on display throughout various places in Europe. No matter where you stand on the issue, it is clear that there is something about black hair that arouses curiosity in those who don’t have it.

Check out the “You can touch my hair” event, here and here.

Basic hair care instructions (not just for afros):

Lather, rinse, repeat, and whatever funky things you want to do to YOUR hair.

Warning:

Touching other people’s hair without asking first may cause serious harm.