Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof

Stale Cake: Who let the dogs out

Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof

What happens when you feel wronged or slighted by an unseen culprit? Do you seethe and wish a pox on your unseen foe? Or do you turn to the written arts to get back at the heartless bastard? For many, it seems the pen is far mightier than the sword, and passive aggressive notes are the communication mode of choice.

So what is passive aggressive behavior?

Before launching into the art and science of passive aggressive note writing, let’s discuss passive aggressive behavior. How can one be passive and aggressive? Why is this type of behavior so infuriating? It is defined very simply as indirect expression of hostility. Another term for passive aggressive behavior is something we Stalecake-ians like to call bitchassness.

“On the porch were the still-smoking remains of long-stemmed roses, evidence that someone angry and passive aggressive didn’t know Peter was out of town.”

What makes this behavior so annoying, is that underneath the passive aggressive condescension is a genuine need to communicate, but an inability to do so effectively. This tends to cause more problems and to lead to crumbling interpersonal relationships. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to deal directly with passive aggressive people who obviously can’t handle confrontation.

How do I say something without actually saying it?

Now that you understand bitchassness passive aggressive behavior, let’s learn how to write a great passive aggressive note.

Passive aggressive note writing has become so popular that there is a website showcasing the best and the brightest.

I’m too passive to even write a note!

Some people don’t want to risk getting caught taping up notes, and leaving handwriting examples around willy-nilly. They found a new method to reach any neighbor who would be geographically close enough to annoy them: Wifi network names.

As usual, there are blogs devoted this.

Why don’t people understand and appreciate my veiled and catty comments??

If someone ticks you off and you start reaching for a Sharpie to unleash your passive aggressive fury in capital letters, think twice. Your note may make you feel better but it probably won’t have the intended outcome and could potentially add fuel to a fire that needs to be extinguished. Hell hath no fury like a neighbor with social media access, so your note will probably live in internet infamy; and YOU, not your intended target, will look like a huge asshole.

 

Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough

Stale Cake: Don't stop til you get enough

Don’t Stop ’til you get enough

The internet was recently abuzz with the release of the newest season of House of Cards. You may remember how the first season of the show was a huge game changer for Netflix. All 13 episodes were released simultaneously on February 14th at 12:01 p.m.

This phenomena of whole season releases has become so popular that it has even spilled over into music with Beyonce releasing her surprise, self-titled, visual album last December.

What is binge-watching?

While this new season of House of Cards is said to be stellar, the phenomena of binge-watching is being talked about with equal zeal.

According to Wikipedia (who by the way referenced a study conducted by main binge-watching culprit Netflix,) binge-watching is watching two to six episodes of the same show consecutively. We Stalecake-ians think that threshold is pretty low. Binge-watching seems more like watching 6 or more episodes, while possibly compromising on things like food, personal hygiene, and sanity. Here is a further breakdown on the complex issue of when watching becomes binge-watching: http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2014/02/when-exactly-does-watching-a-lot-of-netflix-become-a-binge/283844/.

According to Netflix, binge-watching is the future of television. But is binge-watching a good or a bad thing?

The Good

Not having to play the waiting game throughout the TV season is pretty damn sweet. Instead of having to wait several days to find out what happens next you can find out everything over the course of several hours. That is pretty awesome.

Do people unintentionally spoil what happens on your favorite show before you can get to it? If you watch it ALL right now, you won’t have to worry about that anymore.

The Bad

The brain needs time to thoughtfully process the television you watch. Letting episodes marinate and having time to read/discuss them can enhance your television watching experience. One critic details why you shouldn’t binge watch: http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2012/07/09/binge_watching_tv_why_you_need_to_stop_.html.

And The Ugly

Now you may think that fatalities due to binge behavior only happen when people binge on things like crack, and alcohol. But recently, there have been deaths related to binging on media. Those deaths occurred from playing video games for excessive amounts of time.

Your chances of dying from binge-watching are probably pretty slim, but maybe you should give your tv and your couch a break once in a while.

 

It’s my party and You’ll pay if I want you to

Stale Cake: It's my party

It’s my party & You’ll pay if I want you to

Friends, it’s so wonderful to have great friends. They are there for you for the good times, the bad times. They might even be by your side forever more, or something.

True friendship can be hard to come by. Apparently, it is damn near impossible to make new friends after 30. In this age of social media. it seems easier than ever to rack up pseudo friendships like points in an online game.

A friend is a gift you give yourself

One of the phenomena of these less than real friendships is something that really chaps Asha’s ass. She likes to call it the “I’m not really friends with you and we don’t really speak but I would like to invite you to this event so you can give me lots of gifts.”

There is nothing wrong with celebrating the events in your life. Hey, if you don’t celebrate you who else will. With a genuine relationship, it is not a problem to ask for presents to celebrate the occasion. However, if we met five years ago, and haven’t seen/spoken to each other since then (outside of Facebook,) I probably shouldn’t be getting an invite to your wedding/bar/bat mitzvah/christening/ birthday party/engagement dinner/baby shower, etc.

Asha had this happen to her quite a few times. In her naiveté, she would attend these events, foolishly thinking that her gifts could help solidify the ephemeral “friendship”, but alas, it was never to be.

Rules of etiquette

“I am worn out with civility.”

– Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

According to Monette’s mom, and possibly Emily Post, you are supposed to give a gift if you are invited to an event whether you attend or not. I would like to argue that Emily Post did not have to deal with the ease of invitations in the Internet age. Paperless Post, Evite, and other services have made it stupidly easy to invite every Tom, Dick and What’s-his-name to your party. Gone are the days of thoughtful invites, fine stationary, calligraphy, and having to pay postage.

So we StaleCake-ians are asking you, yes you, future event thrower: Think carefully about whom you invite to your events. Are you inviting friends that you genuinely care about? Will they feel like mere seat-fillers at your party?

Use your empathy, sympathy, and do the right thing: Just don’t invite them.

Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong

Stale Cake: Love lifts me away

Love lifts us up where we belong

Ah, Valentine’s Day, a day of love, or a day of disappointment? It may be easy to see it merely as a Hallmark holiday, but we StaleCake-ians decided it’s more fun to embrace the love. No matter what, we seem to end up with a lot of chocolate, so how bad could it be?

Getting hit on – literally

The origins of Valentine’s Day are a bit murky. There were several saints named Valentine, so which one are we celebrating? But some people believe those fun loving, lion massacring Romans may have played a role.

From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.

The Roman romantics “were drunk. They were naked,” says Noel Lenski, a historian at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.

I personally like their version of the holiday much better than our current iteration. Ladies, who wouldn’t want to be smacked and beaten by men with the skins of sacrificed dogs and goats? Those Romans sure knew how to show a lady a good time.

The article also talks about a matchmaking lottery that would pair off young men and women for the Lupercalia festival, which kind of reminds us of speed-dating events with less small talk.

Sweet nothings

So where’s the romance? Chaucer and Shakespeare helped infuse the holiday with love and handmade valentine’s were all the rage. In 1797, if you couldn’t handle a verse like they could, The Young Man’s Valentine Writer had suggestions for you. Factory made cards, candy, flowers…

…and “Some dumb little thing from CVS” came soon after.

Nothing says I feel “meh “ about you than a Whitman’s sampler.

Sing your heart out

If a card doesn’t express how you feel, maybe one of these songs will!

 

Sumptuous Staycations

Stale Cake: Sumptuous Staycations

Sumptuous Staycations

Let’s face it, even in this time of “economic recovery”, times are still tight for a lot of people. Americans are still taking their 2.5 vacations a year, but they’re doing it a lot closer to home, in their homes to be exact.

We honestly think the idea of staycationing is a bit of a challenge. Sure, you’re saving money on travel, hotel, and other costs associated in going to a destination, but is it enough? Think about it: you spend a lot of time in your home. We think it could be a challenge to change your mindset from normal to vacation mode when you’re in an über-familiar surroundings.

Stealing Cary Grant’s moves

Giving your space more exotic touches might do the trick. Like a little chocolate on your pillow? Well you have Cary Grant to thank for that. Yes, that’s right, Cary Grant, or as Asha likes to call him, “Mr. Sexy”. Apparently, Cary Grant was such a pimp that his escapades made the hotels in which he stayed take notice and copy his moves.

Is that a kiddie pool?

While the idea of making your space into an exotic getaway sounds nice, we think it will end up looking something like this:

This shit looks lame as hell and it’s exactly what your staycation will look like. I mean, seriously, did they really think plastic floatation devices would up the coolness factor? Seriously!? WTF.

Leech-cationing

Instead of staycationing, choose to leech-cation instead. This is when you buy a cheap ticket to a friend’s house that lives in a more desirable location. You impose yourself upon them staying in their spare room/couch/garage/roof. You eat their food and prey on their hospitality. You really have to live it up because the chances of you doing this more than once and/or still having the friend are slim to none.

Vegan Treason

Stale Cake: Vegan Treason

Vegan Treason

Over the past five years Asha has had bouts of vegan-ism. Although she has not always stuck with the lifestyle,she is trying it out yet again this year, Jay Z and Beyonce style. Usually these dietary changes coincided with the need to lose weight, feel better, or with binge marathon documentary watching. Just try watching “Sick, Fat, and Nearly Dead,” “Fast Food Nation,” followed by “Food Inc.” Trust me, you may never want to eat animal products again; you actually may never want to eat anything again.

Here are some common vegan experiences she has:

  1. She buys a new vegan cookbook; although she has several perfectly good ones. This time it was Monette’s suggestion of Isa Does It: Amazingly Easy, Wildly Delicious Vegan Recipes for everyday of the week.
  2. Bacon is usually the gateway food that breaks her vegan fortitude.
  3. There is always someone who is genuinely offended that she has decided to stop eating meat.

The last point is something that is always puzzling. Asha, in her flights of vegan-ism, has never been a preachy vegan. She is not all “fire and brimstone shall come to thee” if she knows you eat meat. So it always mystifies her when she gets an extremely negative reaction from someone. A typical response to her vegan-ism includes“How dare you!” and “I’m going to eat a double portion of meat with drizzled gravy so you can see what you’re missing!” statements.

Apparently, Asha’s experiences are not uncommon. Vegans seem to raise a lot of ire, especially on the internet. They are viewed as pretentious and snobby. One blog entitled “How Not To Be A Vegan People Want to Punch in The Face,” wants to help vegans, you know, to not get punched in the face.

Sometimes vegan restaurants don’t help alleviate the stereotypes. While the food is delicious, item names like “You are Transformed” and “You are Fortified” (at L.A.’s Cafe Gratitude) can be annoying and plain confusing instead of empowering. Though we suppose, they sound much better than “You are deep dish pizza” and “You are family size order of potato wedges.”

 

New Year’s Resolution

Stale Cake: New Year's Resolution

New Year’s Resolution

Do you make resolutions? Every 365 days, we are told that we have a chance to start fresh. Want to lose weight? Want to balance your finances? End world hunger? Scale Mt. Everest? It’s all possible with the start of the New Year. Some resolutions are more popular than others, as this list shows.

We are almost at the end of January and in all likelihood have already broken our resolutions. Fuck the gym! Bring on the Twinkies, Ho Ho’s and Ding Dongs. Screw Mt. Everest! Scaling your own steps is hard enough. Ironically, forgetting your resolutions may be the perfect way to honor them.

“Think of your brain’s store of self-control as a muscle: after you use it, it becomes tired and more difficult to use. Importantly, after using self-control to resist one temptation, your brain has less energy to resist the next one…As humans, we spend a lot of time negotiating with ourselves and trading off costs and benefits that eventually lead to our decisions. Deciding to refrain from such negotiations can help you…decide not to decide.”

We Stalecake-ians are kind of anti-resolution and therefore never break them. You may say nothing ventured nothing gained. We say realism is happy-ism. Don’t get it twisted, we do have goals, (each of us are currently working on book projects.) You know how we tackle those goals? One day at a time. No sweeping proclamations of the unattainable, just good ole’ fashion stick-to-it-ness.

We also love planners! We have yet to finish a year with these planners, but we are addicted to the feelings of optimism and productiveness that we have every time we start one. Asha even has two planners for 2014, or rather she had two since she promptly lost one last week.

If you do make a resolution and fail to keep it, don’t feel bad, you are in good company. No need to beat yourself up, unless fight club attendance is one of your resolutions.

Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

Stale Cake: Hello it is me you're looking for?

Hello? Is It Me You’re Looking for?

Voicemail R.I.P?

In this day and age of instant communication gratification, is the art of the voicemail message going the way of the dinosaur? Do you use voicemail to relay messages of importance or do you use alternate methods such as email or text? On the flip side, when you receive a voicemail message do you check it? Or do you see who has called and return the call without taking the time to listen to the message?

Unbeknownst to us, there is actually a proper way to leave a voicemail. We Stalecake-ians were totally in the dark about this. This could explain why no one returns our phone calls. According to this article, there are only three occasions in this day and age where voicemail should be used:

  1. When the person doesn’t have your number in his/her phone.
  2. If you are unsure whether you are calling a landline or a cell phone.
  3. If you are calling to wish someone a happy birthday and they don’t answer.

One article takes it a step further and states you better not leave a voicemail unless you are dying.

Voicemail for Tools

If you still decide that leaving a voicemail is the only way to get your message across, don’t be a creep. Apparently, Dimitri didn’t get the memo on this. He decided to leave a series of voice messages for the elegant, elusive Olga. The result will live down in internet infamy.

Scarjo Saves the Day

If voicemail is a dying mode of communication, can it be saved? Apparently, there is one person who can save voicemail. Her name is Scarlett Johansson. In the new Spike Jonze film, “Her”, Johansson plays a disembodied voice of a computer system. Although she never physically appears in the film, she has been winning prestigious awards for her voice-over role. Siri, you better watch your back.

Don’t Call it a comeback

At Stale Cake, we still love the 80’s, as this week’s comic title shows. One of the 80’s stars realizing a 21st century internet comeback is Lionel Ritchie. This little gem went viral a few years back and was an instant reminder of how awesome the 80’s were.

 

hello-is-it-me-youre-looking-for

 

Favorite Holiday Song

Stale Cake: Favorite holiday song

Favorite Holiday Song

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch!”

So begins one of our favorite holiday songs, and after a while we really sympathize with the guy. Maybe he is as sick of this music as we are. How many times can the radio play these songs? Try 782,342 times. According to Mediaguide, “Jingle Bell Rock” was played 782,342 times in 2011 alone. As big a number as that is, it still doesn’t feel big enough. Our poor Grinch only got on the radio 112,058 times. Check out the airplay of other holiday classics. Seven different versions of “Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!” made the list, so all together you may have heard the song 872,348 times. That is roughly 10.5 million wishes for snow.

“Do you hear what I hear?”

With the exceptions of “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch” and “Grandma got run over by a reindeer”, the most played songs are tributes to the joys, togetherness, and holiness of the holidays. But what about all those other songs that observe the stress and the weirdness of the season? We thought we’d pull out a few you don’t hear on the radio that often, but there are hundreds to choose from! We grouped them into categories, and then you can vote on which category deserves more airtime!

Wacky Christmas gifts

  • “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” – Gayla Peevey. The only singer on the list who actually got she wanted. Yep, she got that hippo and she donated it to a zoo.
  • “I Want an Alien for Christmas” – Fountains of Wayne.
  • “Things I Want” – Sum 41 & Tenacious D. A few things on this list: diamond hyena shootin’ fire from his butt, a cannibal chef to cook me sweet and sour butt, a magical sleigh that’s pulled by flying skunks.

Depressing family stories

  • “Christmas Shoes” – New Song. Unfortunately, we hear this on the radio a lot, but we’ll find any excuse to post the animated version of Patton Oswalt’s rage against this one about a boy buying his dying mother a pair of shoes.
  • “Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas” – John Denver
  • “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” – The Ramones
  • “Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It!)” – Surfjan Stevens. Aw, sweet.

Dance as if nobody’s watching!

  • “Funky, funky Christmas” – New Kids on the Block. Dance instruction: “Throw your hands in the air pause, kick the ballistics Santa Claus.”
  • “Christmas Conga” – Cyndi Lauper. How do you dance the Christmas Conga? You “Bonga! Bonga! Bonga!”
  • “Santa Claus Is Discoin’ To Town Tonight” – Frosty & The Fun Street Gang

Did everyone forget about Hanukkah?

We’re not including Adam Sandler’s “Hanukkah Song” because it gets plenty of airplay.

  • “Christmastime For The Jews” – Darlene Love (by Robert Smigel)
  • “A Lonely Jew On Christmas” – South Park
  • “Give the Jew Girl Toys” – Sarah Silverman

Christmas during a Nuclear Apocalypse

We guess a nuclear apocalypse puts Black Friday Wal-Mart fights in perspective. Did you know “Do you hear what I hear?” was inspired by the Cuban Missile crisis? We thought it was worth mentioning, but it didn’t make the list because of its popularity.

  • “Christmas At Ground Zero” – Weird Al Yankovic
  • “Santa Came On A Nuclear Missile” – Heather Noel
  • “Nuclear Christmas (Single)” – The Cannonball Story

 

favorite-holiday-song

 

Feeling Stuffed on Thanksgiving?

Stale Cake: Feeling stuffed

Feeling Stuffed on Thanksgiving?

Many of us are blessed enough to be gluttonous fools on Thanksgiving. We read the tips on how to pace and control ourselves for a marathon of eating, but sometimes we can’t make it! How can one refuse the deliciousness served up by your family and friends? People spend WEEKS planning the menu, trying to find dishes that will satisfy everyone’s tastes, traditions, and health requirements. Once that is settled then one has to figure out how many hours, days, or weeks it will take to cook it all!

For the chefs’ sakes, we propose simplifying the process by cutting out the middle man – or bird. Sure, a nicely roasted or deep-fried turkey is beautiful, but we always end up feeling stuffed because of the delicious, hearty sides and pies.

I am stuffed with tryptophan! No, you probably aren’t.

We were going to enforce our suggestion by claiming that turkey would make you too sleepy to get to those insane Black Friday deals, but we discovered tryptophan works best on an empty stomach. So unless, you are able to ignore all those sides and desserts and eat nothing but turkey on Thanksgiving, you can’t use the bird to justify your laziness. Plus, how often do you feel sleepy after eating these foods that have more tryptophan than turkey?

Stuffing the stuffing

Want something stuffed (besides the guests?) There are plenty of things you can stuff besides a bird. For example, stuff pies into cakes and make a Cherpumple. Or combine the appetizers, entrees, and desserts into one Supreme Sir Plumple. Here is a competition between those two. You can see images of these stuffed creations on Monette’s Pinterest board, Frankenstein Foods. (Feel free to submit more Frankenstein recipes!)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Whatever you decide to not eat this Thursday, we hope you have a wonderful, fun, and stress-free Thanksgiving!!

feeling-stuffed-on-thanksgiving